Insurance Satirist Gifts

'Look dear - it's a get-well-or-else card from the insurance company.'

"I'd like to help you, but you're in a different H.M.O."

'You're feeling great? That's unusual...we'd better run some tests...'

'Trust me, it's the only way if you want your insurance to cover it.'

"Is there a health insurance plan that covers the pre-existing condition of not being able to pay for one?"

'Give it to me straight, doc...what are my chances of making it until the drug benefit kicks in?'

'I'm afraid that we can't insure you. Our records indicate that you only have one life left'

"Of course the policy is automatically cancelled should either of you need medical treatment."

"I've granted your first wish for affordable health insurance, but I took your other two wishes to cover the deductible."

'Your latest test results indicate you should accelerate your payments to us.'

What say we don't put a claim in on this one. He barely grazed me.

'I'm afraid that we can't insure you. Our records indicate that you only have one life left' Colour

"Your husband needs a surgeon but we can't do that. All your insurance covers is a junior doctor saying a prayer for him."

'Sorry, sir, but your health insurance doesn't cover a real doctor. I'm a struggling actor who plays one.'

"Your HMO won't cover a balloon for your angioplasty, but authorizes me to blow up a finger of my latex glove."

"This group medical plan leaves a lot to be desired."

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

"And then when I thought my day couldn't get any worse they tell me that being one of the 'living dead' isn't covered by my health plan!"

"Call Mr. Oliphant and wish him happy birthday. Then raise his rate 400 dollars for being in a new age bracket."

"As you can see on page 456, para 5, your health policy is dependent upon your being able to manage a sub 3 hour marathon."

Single Prayer Health Insurance

We were asked to pay out for a fire started when a dog urinated on a Christmas tree.

'...and with our DeLuxe Plan, you actually get the unlisted number of your doctor's answering service!'

'It depends on what you mean by 'serious,' Mr. Hobbs. Do you consider six thousand dollars serious?'

"Hmmm,,, Well, me know insurance benefits apply to huntergatherer relationships, You first to ask about gatherergatherer relationships,"

'I'm sorry, Buchanan, our company health plan remains in effect only if you don't get sick.'

'I have some bad news. Your health plan doesn't cover bandages.'

'What do we do in a case like this? -- He's sick because he swallowed his insurance card.'

'How are we going to explain this to our insurance company?'

"I just KNEW something like this would happen when I switched health plans. The old plan let me pick my own doctors!"

Insurance: 'Read your policy small print. Being born before 1940 is a preexisting condition.'

Remember, take this one with food, take this one with water, and take this one with your insurance payment.

My, grandma, what a big premium you have for a plan that doesn't cover getting eaten by a wolf.

Your insurance doesn't cover leeches, but some patients are reporting good outcomes with the escargot.

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."