Insurance Irony Gifts

"Of course we don't offer health care. You're dead."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"Remember, Mr. Jones, whatever doesn't kill you makes your health insurance premiums go up."

Single Prayer Health Insurance

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'As long as the gov't has a printing press, all deposits federally insured.'

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

'...in sickness and in health, with full coverage or without...'

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

'Must have had bad weather at the Artist's Colony. All the claims start with 'It was a dark and stormy night.''

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

'Trust me, it's the only way if you want your insurance to cover it.'

"You're operation went smoothly, but we're very concerned about some post-surgical insurance complications."

'I'm afraid that we can't insure you. Our records indicate that you only have one life left'

'Of course, one advantage to lethal injection is that Medicaid might pay for it.'

"I just KNEW something like this would happen when I switched health plans. The old plan let me pick my own doctors!"

'What do we do in a case like this? -- He's sick because he swallowed his insurance card.'

'Hello, I'd like to apply for some property insurance.'

'Give it to me straight, doc...what are my chances of making it until the drug benefit kicks in?'

"Have you noticed, our insurance policy has expired?"

We were asked to pay out for a fire started when a dog urinated on a Christmas tree.

"You're doing fine, and we're cautiously optimistic about your insurance."

'Sorry, sir, but your health insurance doesn't cover a real doctor. I'm a struggling actor who plays one.'

'I have some bad news. Your health plan doesn't cover bandages.'

'I'm sorry, Buchanan, our company health plan remains in effect only if you don't get sick.'

'Oh, sure, the whole nine lives thing is great until the life insurance premiums come due.'

'Looks like another cancellation notice on our car insurance...'

Larry knew how to close a sale.

'The health plan will cover you and up to three dwarves.'

'Your latest test results indicate you should accelerate your payments to us.'

"I'm afraid our healthcare plan only covers the first five litters."

'There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is that you're very ill, and the bad news is that your medical insurance has expired... Oh I'm sorry, did I say there was good news?'

"This group medical plan leaves a lot to be desired."