Insurance Irony Gifts

"Of course we don't offer health care. You're dead."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"Remember, Mr. Jones, whatever doesn't kill you makes your health insurance premiums go up."

Single Prayer Health Insurance

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

My, grandma, what a big premium you have for a plan that doesn't cover getting eaten by a wolf.

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

'As long as the gov't has a printing press, all deposits federally insured.'

'...in sickness and in health, with full coverage or without...'

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

'Must have had bad weather at the Artist's Colony. All the claims start with 'It was a dark and stormy night.''

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

Your insurance doesn't cover leeches, but some patients are reporting good outcomes with the escargot.

'Trust me, it's the only way if you want your insurance to cover it.'

"You're operation went smoothly, but we're very concerned about some post-surgical insurance complications."

'I'm afraid that we can't insure you. Our records indicate that you only have one life left'

"I just KNEW something like this would happen when I switched health plans. The old plan let me pick my own doctors!"

'What do we do in a case like this? -- He's sick because he swallowed his insurance card.'

'Of course, one advantage to lethal injection is that Medicaid might pay for it.'

'Hello, I'd like to apply for some property insurance.'

'Give it to me straight, doc...what are my chances of making it until the drug benefit kicks in?'

We were asked to pay out for a fire started when a dog urinated on a Christmas tree.

'Sorry, sir, but your health insurance doesn't cover a real doctor. I'm a struggling actor who plays one.'

'I'm sorry, Buchanan, our company health plan remains in effect only if you don't get sick.'

'I have some bad news. Your health plan doesn't cover bandages.'

"Have you noticed, our insurance policy has expired?"

"You're doing fine, and we're cautiously optimistic about your insurance."

'Oh, sure, the whole nine lives thing is great until the life insurance premiums come due.'

'Looks like another cancellation notice on our car insurance...'

'Your latest test results indicate you should accelerate your payments to us.'

Larry knew how to close a sale.

'There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is that you're very ill, and the bad news is that your medical insurance has expired... Oh I'm sorry, did I say there was good news?'

"I'm afraid our healthcare plan only covers the first five litters."

'The health plan will cover you and up to three dwarves.'

'I'm afraid your late wife's life insurance policy didn't cover culinary disasters.'