Humorous Dieter Gifts

'I tried writing down everything I ate for two weeks. Now I use it for my grocery list.'

'I don't mind pigging out as long as it's not on empty calories.'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

'I'm eating less and drinking less, yet I'm still merry!'

Weight Gain Denial

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

"Is it working?"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.