Humorous Dieter Pillows

'I tried writing down everything I ate for two weeks. Now I use it for my grocery list.'

'I don't mind pigging out as long as it's not on empty calories.'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'I'm eating less and drinking less, yet I'm still merry!'

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Is it working?"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Does it come in soy lite?'