Satirical Dieter Pillows

'If you want to lose weight, fly with your mouth shut.'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

"No matter how much gelato, pizza and tiramisu I eat, I gain weight. This Mediterranean diet just isn't working."

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Weight Gain Denial

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

"Is it working?"

"Turns out it was all water weight."

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'