Satirical Dieter Gifts

'If you want to lose weight, fly with your mouth shut.'

"Two vegans, please."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"No matter how much gelato, pizza and tiramisu I eat, I gain weight. This Mediterranean diet just isn't working."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

"Is it working?"

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'