Humorist Of Sports Gifts

As England's injury problems worsen, Roy Hodgson resorts to Englebert Humperdinck

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Punt Cake

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

Football Chameleon

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Pete Sampras

Bobby's pitching coach told him to put some stank on the ball.

Alternative fielding positions

The Golfing Accident

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Hole in one!!!!'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

"... It's just that, when you said you had a couple of tickets to see the big game..."

Trojan Hurdler.

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'There! See that? Brad just happens to morph into some kind of hideous amphibian just as he's about to putt? Now tell me she's not cheating!'

"So what's this special distracting tactic you've developed?"

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"Getting the hang of it?"

Sloth 10K.

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

The Leafs win the Cup!

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

'I reckon we need a new sweeper.'

"Whaddya want for nineteen mil?"

Major Bunker (who has been persuaded to join in a game of hockey for the first time, absent-mindedly preparing to drive). 'Force.'

The Hockey World

Volcano Sacrifice Competition