Humorist Meals Gifts

"Waiter! Waiter! There's no flies in my soup!"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"It's not he worst meal I've ever eaten, that was your dinner yesterday."

"Are we pessimists and our stomachs are half empty or optimists and our stomachs are half full?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

Punkcakes

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

What can I get you? Coffee? Tea? Sandwich? The mackerel mocha sounds lovely. What's in it? The usual. Chocolate. Soy milk. Mackerel. Yes, but is the mackerel farm-raised or from the sea? Ocean. Atlantic? Pacific? Indian? Arctic? Antarctic? I'm not sure. Oh. Ok ... well what's the mackerel's mercury content? Negligible, I'm sure. Ok. Was it exposed to any chlorine? Or copper sulphate? Or malathion? Was it treated with kindness? Was it read stories and sung to before bedtime? Yes. Never mind, it s

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"Knife...fork..."

"The chef informs me that, while the salmon is farm raised, the garnish is indeed feral."

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

'What's the special?'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Blackened Fish: Cook until the smoke detector goes off.'

House of Beans.