Dining With Humor Gifts

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"We'll get your food going as soon as the exterminators are done in the kitchen."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'For obvious reasons the chowder's made with chicken and pork.'

'The house wine sir.'

"I'll have the fish chowder, hold the flotsam and jetsam."

'What's the special?'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

At The Skinny Customer Restaurant

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'

'I don't eat red meat.' 'This is green.'

'Is everything O.K.?'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

'There must be some mistake -- Kings don't pay for things.'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."