Humorist In Weight Debates Gifts

"Oh, my! Is that really me?"

"It's a new work-out video. It shows a mother chasing after three little children all day."

"If we carry them home we’ll get at least one workout."

Bench Press Accident

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Musclesnakes just swallow the dumbbells.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"Still on your left."

'Why are jogging on the spot?'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"One slice—hold the bread."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

"Turns out it was all water weight."

The real reason salad aids weight loss