Humorist In Habits Gifts

"I suppose marriage would temper my penchant for pole dancing."

Honest Vending

Replacement Bus Spotters.

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. IX

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

"Trust me, detainee orange is going to be huge this fall."

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"While you were on vacation, Zooker, a motion was made and seconded to saw five and a half inches off your chair legs."

"My records show we sent your bonus. Have you looked on your roof?"

"What's the difference between being addicted to painkillers and just really, really liking them a lot?"

"The planet appears to be inhabitable but more like low-income inhabitable."

'Well the dog's been passively smoking our fags for the past ten years, so I think it's only fair that he has a nicotene patch too.'

"You must cut down on your smoking."

"Smoking causes cancer in humans. I'm canine."

"Hey, thanks again for letting me borrow your pen."

'We operate on the point system here. When you see something go wrong, point at whoever you think is to blame.'

The World of People

"Can we please sign off just one night without the national anthem?"

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

Lager drinker and a vegetarian eating together.

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

'Burl always has to walk around the house when he brushes his teeth. . . he can't sit still for a minute.'

"He's stopped that annoying knuckle cracking, but now he's smuggling in bubble wrap."

'Your hand signal was okay. Pity you didn't open the window.'

"Did I startle you?"

This is the Ask Sadie Show. You're on, caller. What's your problem? 2016. Stop that! A year is just an arbitrary span of time, it's not a malevolent entity. Um … except for 1974. That was a puke-green and orange monster that forced normal people to dress like clowns. That demon keeps trying to make a comeback. Eternal vigilance. That is the price we pay. O ... K ...

"Maybe we'd stand a better change of rescue if we didn't look so much like penguins."

'I've lost the will to die.'

Nathan is a strict vegetatetarian.

"You know...maybe grinding your teeth isn't such a bad thing."

Time-lapse philately

A bad habit promotes evolution.

'Goodbye darling have a great day at the office, but you do realise you retired yesterday,'