Habit Humorist Gifts

"You know...maybe grinding your teeth isn't such a bad thing."

"Maybe we'd stand a better change of rescue if we didn't look so much like penguins."

"Hi. If there's any fidgeting, self-pitying or outwitting you feel you have to do, there's my sit-in."

"So this is why it's called a bad habit."

'I told my wife I'd give e-cigarettes a try, but I drew the line on e-beer.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Walking erect is very trendy now."

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

Replacement Bus Spotters.

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. IX

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

'It feels warm enough to me.'

The Dandy

"The one time in our lives when it's acceptable to run around naked, but they dress us up like L. L. Bean catalog."

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

Bed and Breakfast

'Whiskey and splash, sir.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

Flight Socks.

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"I found an old photo of us, when we were punk rockers... Didn't we look ridiculous?"

On the catwalk it looked elegant and sexy! What happened?

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Bed Fellow

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

"At Hooters I'd already have three compliments on my tie!"

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

Cat scares away fish design on man's shirt.

"Hallelujah!"