Habitable Humorist Gifts

"The planet appears to be inhabitable but more like low-income inhabitable."

Ice Cream Surgeon

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

'It feels warm enough to me.'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

Bed and Breakfast

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

Bed Fellow

'Your ten percent tip.'

"At Hooters I'd already have three compliments on my tie!"

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

'What a bargain!'

'Gravity wins - again.'

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

'You can come back in, King Kong. The superintendent got the door open.'

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

'I'm sorry, but the soup of the day was just tripped over by the employee of the month.'

'As you wish Santa. But if we allow them to share our bed only once, be prepared to put up with them every night!'

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

"The doctor's running late. Feel free to catch up on your binge watching with our waiting room TV."

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."