Habitable Humorist Gifts

"The planet appears to be inhabitable but more like low-income inhabitable."

Ice Cream Surgeon

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

'It feels warm enough to me.'

'I, Dom Perignon, will now uncork the very first bottle of Champagne. Of course, I'm just guessing this is the right way to do it.'

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

Bed and Breakfast

'Your ten percent tip.'

Bed Fellow

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

"At Hooters I'd already have three compliments on my tie!"

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'What a bargain!'

'Gravity wins - again.'

"Do you think those clams we ate were a little off?"

'As you wish Santa. But if we allow them to share our bed only once, be prepared to put up with them every night!'

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

'You got much on at the moment?'; 'No, nothing really.' (Naked man)

'I'm sorry, but the soup of the day was just tripped over by the employee of the month.'

"The doctor's running late. Feel free to catch up on your binge watching with our waiting room TV."

'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.'

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'You can come back in, King Kong. The superintendent got the door open.'