Hospitality Humorists Gifts

"We're americans, so the room's great, the cockroaches just up and went!"

Bed and Breakfast

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

'I sent out for everything.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'He's not a pet. He's an endangered species.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

Cardiac Recovery.

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"WHich one is mine?"

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

Downloading Pregnancy

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'Gee!' (doctor looking at x-ray)

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare