House Surveyor Gifts

"I'm afraid it looks like a nasty case of rising dry."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tension filled the tent.

'I found the termites!'

When Engineers Crack.

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"You're right -- this town is big enough for the both of us."

'The roof needs icing.'

'I'm studying the lay of the land..'

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

"Homes on Holmes"

Explorer with enormous magnifying glass.

'Promise me you'll say Yes / No / Don't know ...'

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

"What do you mean you wouldn't sweat the water in the basement."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

Why the discovery of the New World took longer than expected.

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

"That's it - I've had it up to here with measurement devices."

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

"A survey found 82% of people think surveys are a waste of time."