House Surveyor Pillows

"I'm afraid it looks like a nasty case of rising dry."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

Tension filled the tent.

'I found the termites!'

When Engineers Crack.

Fuel bill gone through the roof

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

"You're right -- this town is big enough for the both of us."

'The roof needs icing.'

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

'Promise me you'll say Yes / No / Don't know ...'

"Homes on Holmes"

Explorer with enormous magnifying glass.

"Yes, Madame, Teletubbies."

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

Why the discovery of the New World took longer than expected.

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

"That's it - I've had it up to here with measurement devices."

"You've got a real fungus problem. You'll have to move out until it's taken care of."

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

'Keep your feet on the joists, Cedric.'

"A survey found 82% of people think surveys are a waste of time."

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'