House Flipping Humorist Gifts

Ernie's Real Estate. Ernie, in this ad you don't mention the leaky roof. I say "built-in sprinkler system." What about the low-haning beam her downstairs? "Bar in basement." Ernie, the tub drains can't be unclogged! What why I sand "Two full baths!" This house was previously listed and nobody even looked at it! Buy now while interest is low"! And you ad doesn't say anything about the persistent bird nest problem in the attic. You're right! I should tell people "New wings just added"!

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

Mouse real estate!

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

"The carpet really brings the room together."

"It's all about the freezer storage space for Vinny."

Affordable housing

'And this is the sunken living room.'

Valentines for Real Estate

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"We'll take it."

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

For sale sign 'Don't take that down, it's holding up the house.'

Who left their dishes in the sink? Life at the Petri Household.

When Pyromaniacs Buy A Home: 'This is a great starter home.'

Estate agents lined up for sale during house-price slump.

'And this is the walk-in laundry chute.'

Unreal Estate.

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

"I'll carry you over a regular threshold, darling, as soon as the housing market improves."

'Is this the open house?'

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

'...There's been a 20% rise in the length of time our house been on the market'

"The house has a very open floor plan."