House Flipper Humorist Gifts

For sale sign 'Don't take that down, it's holding up the house.'

Ceiling collapse 'Don't worry, that's just settlement.'

"I'm working from home today."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

"It's a great Fixer-Upper and this is Ken, single, available and a pretty decent handyman."

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

How men shop for towels.

This Semester's Report Card

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

Real estate.

'Well sir, out 'idyllic country cottage' may be a bit extreme, but you have to admit its got potential.'

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"

Auctioneer of the Year: Edward Hammerhands.

'Oh no, it's that 'come hither and do the dishes' look.'

Affordable housing

Valentines for Real Estate

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."