House Flipper Humorist Gifts

For sale sign 'Don't take that down, it's holding up the house.'

Ceiling collapse 'Don't worry, that's just settlement.'

"I'm working from home today."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"It's not so much a fixer upper as a tear it downer."

"It's a great Fixer-Upper and this is Ken, single, available and a pretty decent handyman."

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

"The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat."

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Monopoly game - "You just gazumped me!"

Do it yourself -- get someone else to do it -- get son to do it -- pay -- don't bother doing it -- move house

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

How men shop for towels.

Real estate.

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

This Semester's Report Card

'Oh no, it's that 'come hither and do the dishes' look.'

"It's all about the freezer storage space for Vinny."

'Well sir, out 'idyllic country cottage' may be a bit extreme, but you have to admit its got potential.'

Auctioneer of the Year: Edward Hammerhands.

Affordable housing

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"

Valentines for Real Estate