Hospital Humbug Gifts

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

"Why, Mr. Larsen! We were about ready to give up on you."

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'Get me a hundred milligrams of Oxycontin... And pick up something for this guy while you're at it.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

We charge $500 for every nook and $1,200 for every cranny during diagnosis.

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

Newspaper reads: 'Doctors not giving adequate info to patients'. Doctor asking patient, "Say eh??"

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

'Either I've got bad news for you or my watch has stopped...'

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'We've been told to get families more involved in patient care, he'll need a bath and lunch in about 30 minutes.'

Maternity Ward "Just call me the Secretary of Labor."

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

Medical school graduation gowns.

"Oh no, those aren't recharging stations for phones. We have those there so physicians can get themselves recharged!"

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

"No response doctor! The patient is sedated!"

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

"When you awake you will feel fine, you will have no pain, and... Oh, what the hell... you will cluck like a chicken for ten seconds."

Hospital Visit