Hospital Gifts

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

MRI scanner.

"You may be a little sore when you come to, until the swelling goes down."

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'A P.S. on his 'Do not resuscitate form: 'On second thought, resuscitate.''

'Jaundice really ought to have wiped the smile off his face.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'I'm taking you off female hormones right away!'

A man jumps out of a window to avoid an injection.

'Is it contagious?'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'So you're saying, I'm done for, Doc.' 'I don't like that kind of talk... It's, 'I'm done for, DOCTOR.''

'I've been here so often, they keep a room reserved for me.'

"I'm no longer afraid of doctors. It�s the medical insurance men that frighten me!"

'They say I have an infectious smile!'

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

'Angiogram.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

Maternity Ward "Just call me the Secretary of Labor."

"You're lucky. The bed shortage was really bad last week."

"Would you like a post-surgery to-go box?"

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

"I didn't want you worrying about anything at home, so I brought you the bills."

"Oh that's Mr. Fernandez, your anaesthetist."

"The good news is the frustration of filling out all this paperwork will keep your mind off your pain."

"Oh no, those aren't recharging stations for phones. We have those there so physicians can get themselves recharged!"

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

NHS Hospital - 'Is there a doctor in the house?'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"It was touch and go for a while, but he's out of the woods now!"

"I've got other patients to see, try not to kick that while I'm gone."