Hospital Systems Gifts

'I'm not a visitor - just next in line for that bed when you've done with it.'

Emergency room notice - 'Wait hours, or go home'

'Nurse will be with you as soon as she's filled out the form requesting the paperwork to requisition the permission to fill out the form to see you!'

'You can visit your mum in Ward C from 2 am until 3, Ward D from 3 until 5 am then it'll be Ward C until 6 and the corridor after that...'

'Follow the solid line.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

Virtual Doctor

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Ugh, we get it - you're in love."

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

Coronavirus Global Alert

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

Healthy living has added years to Melvin's life.

'I know it's overdue but I've been in Intensive Care.'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

Doctors Discussion

'We need people who dream the impossible dreams - like pensions and health care.'

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'