Hmo Skeptic Gifts

'Never mind! He's in an HMO. ...They're sending a tow truck.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Is everything all right? Any reactions to the irradiated carrots, the transgenic tomatoes, or the antibiotics in the chicken?"

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."