Hmo Skeptic Gifts

'Never mind! He's in an HMO. ...They're sending a tow truck.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

The Public Option

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"Is everything all right? Any reactions to the irradiated carrots, the transgenic tomatoes, or the antibiotics in the chicken?"

'We have an Australian-based HMO, so the hospital sent Dan home in a Crutcharoo.'

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'