Hmo Specialist Gifts

'We have an Australian-based HMO, so the hospital sent Dan home in a Crutcharoo.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

We should take a break. Ron's eyes have turned into spinning rainbow wheels.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

How leaders fail

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Outer Space Outsourcing

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

'What's wrong now?'

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

The Evolution of the Bonus

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

Late/Too Late.

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'