Hmo Specialist Pillows

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

How leaders fail

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Outer Space Outsourcing

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'What's wrong now?'

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

The Evolution of the Bonus

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

Late/Too Late.

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

HR - Helping Relationships

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"