High-standards Humor Gifts

Plumbers. I said Ernie is a perfectionist, not a competent perfectionist!

'Your fur looks like you slept in it.'

The Ladies Who Lurch.

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

Hoodies anticipate bride's choice of wedding dress.

"How was the play!"

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"It tastes and smells just like a glass of wine!"

'This is getting to be too much for me. I'm thinking of becoming a middlebrow.'

"He said 'Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu!' Why do you ask?"

'The reason I'm paid fifty times more is because I think I'm worth it.'

Is there a company doctor in the house?

101 uses of a dead cat: rollerskates

"Stan is one of our great, widely unread literary treasures."

"Listen, Phil....LOVE the hi-def video conferencing, but next time can you trim your nose hairs?"

"Don't forget the spaghetti dinner at Sparolini's after the show."

"I was quite pleased to find a job which allows me to see more of my husband."

"..and this is where his lordship holds his balls and dances."

Frank Loved Bubblewrap

"Check it out, guys. Finally got my wine legs!"

"That's alright, I'll keep you company: I'm not in a hurry to get to school..."

"I told you there's no 11th flooooor!"

'Ever since she has found out that she is related to one of the Queen's corgis she has been unbearable.'

Baggage Claim: Anyone Who Knows How To Hot-Wire A Car.

'Dave's really over-reacting about turning forty.'

'Hugo has short term memory loss but we've chosen to ignore it!'

Airport. Taxi. Everybody I drive to the airport seems to lose their fear of flying.

"For heaven’s sake, I said ‘fetch.’ Not ‘fly’!"

"My grades will get better. I discovered some potentially embarrassing things about my teacher."

'Burberry cushioning, very nice.'

Amongst the Culturati II.

Sloane Ranger.

Test Tomorrow: No Books Or Apps - Just Bring Your Brain

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

"No Chateau Lafite '62? Guess I'll have a brewskie."