Helix Humorist Gifts

A dog has inflated the family cats with helium and they are floating on the roof.

Cat Heaven vs Mouse Hell.

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

"That's the preacher's dog."

'I think there's something wrong with the horizon, Doreen!'

"On your left."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

"If you hurry, you can make the matinée."

"A man threatens to destroy town with army of turtles after dispute with city hall. Local authorities initiate a shell-ter in place in preparation for the noc-turtle invasion."

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'

Tabloid clippings.

Man Reading story 'U.F.O. Sighted' with alien peeking over his shoulder.

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

"Enough helium makes laughing gas."

"You're the only one in this department who has survived the staff cuts. I can only advise you to do your job well, otherwise I'll have to fire you too, got that?"

'It's a doughnut - just eat it!'

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

'Some Honeymoon!'

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

Due to doom and gloom throughout the world, a laugh track will be added to tonight's newscast.

'Tastes like it's been stored next to a blazing furnace for twenty years - Perfect!'

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

Fauna Hybrids

'I wanted a few words about your tax return - have I called at an inconvenient time?'

"And when exactly did your interest in health and safety start?"

'I'm sorry I didn't practice this week, Mrs. Tinklemeyer. I just had so many distractions!

"Wonderful! The back of my head looks exactly like the back of George Clooney's head."

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold the line...for eternity!"

"Well... Can't say I'm surprised!"