Heavenly Jest Fan Gifts

'Your better half isn't up here... It seems you were the better half.'

"It was better before God took up knitting."

"If you get to the pitchfork-shaped cloud, you've gone too far."

"It's true: no more burpees."

"I just know he's gonna ask me why I voted for Trump."

"Then it's agreed. Judgment Day, whenever it comes, will fall on a Thursday, so that they'll get the long weekend."

"He doesn't suffer fools gladly."

'I hate playing in an inflatable dome during a power outage.'

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

"I can never remember if it's smite or smote."

"This oughtta be good...my lawyer is about to read my Will. I left everything to my cat Binky!"

'Go right on in, Helen. By the way, be sure to read tomorrow's newspaper - I understand your grandson has drawn a cartoon in your honor.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"Can you write 'To Mandy - you're the best'?"

God asks an angel for change for a tower viewer.

'I just glanced back at Sodom and Gomorrah for a second...'

'Hold on to this ticket. Immediately after armageddon, there'll be a drawing for door prizes!'

"Closed until further notice."

'You're the king now. It's time to put the past behind you.'

"But you're paper trained and we don't have any newspapers or newspaper people."

'From left to right: witchfinder general, jester jocular and spouse peculiar.'

'It's great for reducing White Coat Hypertension.'

"No one has actually ever tried it before...so apparently you CAN take it with you!"

"May I suggest we up your medication, sire.

"And then at 3 you have a meeting with the royal pain in the butt."

'All right, who's been sitting on the copier again?'

"Just suck it up and let him continue binge-watching your entire repertoire."

Catch-22