Heartbroken Humorist Gifts

'He said I was one in a million but forgot to tell me about the other nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine.'

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Phoenix

Barman In Love.

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

Brian the dog#3 - Brian now realised he was NOT man's best friend.

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

Caterpillars in love

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

Surgeon Finds Heart Reading 'Be my Valentine'.

A dog with a heart shaped hole in his body

'She kept pinching the Vicar's bum!'

Valentines

I know you can't forget, but you should learn to forgive...

Tunnel of Love - LGBT Friendly.

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

"I know you're a brain cell, but can't you act more like a heart cell?"

Kissing Hands

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

A heart flies out during an operation.

'Tech support? If I send a 'Dear John' email to someone named Bob, will it get through?'

'Do you have one that says 'It's all over but I'm keeping the ring'?'

"This here is a little number I wrote when I recovered a repressed memory."

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

"Help! Help! I've fallen and I can't get over my old girlfriend!"

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

"Dear USPS - Julie Michael's mail is no longer in care of Apt. 8-B. She has moved out to Queens. Queens!! Can you believe it??? Three years I devoted to that woman! Oh, well. C'est la vie. I'll find someone else I suppose. Eventually. Yeah, right!"

"Let's face it, Diana. I'm not good enough for you, and vice versa."

"Sorry, babe, this ain't gonna work out. I'm lactose intolerant."

Heart ailments

'I had to have my pacemaker readjusted since I asked Jesus into my heart.'