Heartache Humorist Gifts

"Despite advances in modern medicine I'm afraid we're still unable to offer a cure for a 'heart torn apart by the mendacity of a temptress who captured your soul'."

"I met her out on Isle Royale. She had four of the longest legs you ever saw, and a dewlap that'd make shivers go up your spine. . ."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

Phoenix

Barman In Love.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

Worries of the first single cell organism. Should I divide? Maybe I won't like my other self! Maybe it won't like me! Two might be nice company. Three, though, that could be crowded.

"I've thought about what you said, about how plate tectonics will kill us all!"

Brian the dog#3 - Brian now realised he was NOT man's best friend.

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Now that's what I call rejection.'

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

'Look at you. You're a basket case.'

Caterpillars in love

'Do you know how much it cost me to LEARN all this psychobabble?'

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

Man Gives Computer Therapy/

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

I heart bypass t-shirt.

"Are we sexually compatible? Well, we both get headaches at the same time..."

Valentines

Fakir Shrink.

"Every now and then, I get an overpowering urge to wear a cowbell."

'She kept pinching the Vicar's bum!'

A dog with a heart shaped hole in his body

Surgeon Finds Heart Reading 'Be my Valentine'.