Humorist_with_heartache Gifts

Stand Up Buffet - Haemorrhoid Association.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

Phoenix

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

Barman In Love.

"Feel my claw of death!"

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

"Roadkill cookies"