Humorist_with_heartache Pillows

Stand Up Buffet - Haemorrhoid Association.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Clown on bike.

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Phoenix

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

Barman In Love.

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"Roadkill cookies"

T-Shirt reads: 'Out of mind, I won't be back.'

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'