Humorist With Heart Pillows

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Phoenix

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

Barman In Love.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'