Hardwood Humorist Gifts

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

Palms. When fully grown that species will provide some nice shade in your your yard. Fronds with benefits.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Honest Vending

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Glance Exchange

"The Eggsorcist"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Beware of the Dog Hair.

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"How about a hand."

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."