Iron-hearted Humorist Gifts

'You're cheating on me? How can you be so heartless?!'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

Barman In Love.

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Phoenix

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'