Iron-hearted Humorist Gifts

'You're cheating on me? How can you be so heartless?!'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Phoenix

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

Barman In Love.

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

300 cows in a field...grazing!