Happily Married Gifts

'I am...an idiot.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"Drunk, yet orderly"

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

His Her Cakes

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Choose, Fenster

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

Couple who have confused their baby's pram and the lawn mower.

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

"Get a tomb!"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'