Happily Married Pillows

'I am...an idiot.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

His Her Cakes

"Drunk, yet orderly"

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!

Sulk Shows

"Get a tomb!"

'Choose, Fenster

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."