Married-and-loving-it (mostly) Pillows

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

Couples' therapy

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

His Her Cakes

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'We'd just like to get away from all leading economic indicators for a while.'

"... Oh, don't worry, I won't 'overcook it'... I hope you like, sushi."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

'Choose, Fenster

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Don't you want to hear about the day I had?"

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"Get a tomb!"

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

Lots of shiny glass objects! Darling, you're spoiling me!