Newly Married Gifts

"Whoa, someone's been doing some gathering."

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

"You said this would all change once we got our own place."

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

"If you loved me, you'd automatically know where I want the tinsel."

"To be honest, after our marriage I thought you might have released your inhibitions."

"What does our sessions give you?"

'Leonard married me when I was 21 but I really don't think he meant any harm.'

'You never told me you wore trousers with suspenders.'

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

'Making your own tea? Good effort but next time let's heat the water...'

'Darling...our first audit!'

"I know I said I was hungry, but I'm not that hungry."

'I've only been married a week and I'm already tired of my husband's cooking.'

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife -- the ball's in your court.'

"That doesn't look like setting the table to me."

"I fight your mother here so I don't have to fight her at home."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Cry babies.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

Couples' therapy

"Since we're both being honest, I should tell you I have fleas."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."