Half-life Humorist Gifts

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"You run into a window, too?"

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

'Sorry son, I bought you an ice-cream at the corner shop, but it melted on the way home...'

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Special Place in Hell...

"I'll have whatever they're having."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

'Can't it wait until halftime?'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

"Well, they did say half-board."

"75"

Rocket charmer.

"Tell me this is just your mid-life crisis."

Whale Pattern Balding

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

'I suppose they call it 'Middle age' because that is where you age shows...'

Same Sexless Marriage