Halftime Humorist Gifts

'Sure I know when you eat turkey and dressing and pumpkin pie. During halftime.'

'Can't it wait until halftime?'

Middle-Age Superheroes

Gary turns 40.

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Funny. My girlfriend said the same thing."

'She'll never look for me here.'

Replacement Bus Spotters.

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. IX

Normal Beard vs. Hipster Beard

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Man fishing in goldfish bowl - "Its always been the same with you Norman.. No ambition."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"Before we begin. . . terms and conditions. . ."

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

"Just the slippers is fine!"

I haven't been down there since last Valentine's day. I want to check on a couple who asked me to rekindle their romance. A year ago I told them that thanks to me they'd be spending more time together and less time at their offices. I said I'd make it so they'd have lots of nights at home ordering some take-out and watching a movie. They must be very happy with me. All I did was shoot an arrow of love, but apparently they think I caused some sort of pandemic to happen!

"There goes our early night."

"You're back. Hold on … just give me a minute."

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

'Whiskey and splash, sir.'

"5...4...3...2..."

"This lockdown is GREAT! - We can spend all day on our computers, eating takeaway junk food and watching crap TV while gambling on our iphones!"

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

"They'd sold out of #1's."

Classic Halftime Shows (Super Bowl III)

Gangsta wrap.

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"Jim was a model Dad".

"10,000 steps...just answering doorbells."

White Flight. Beautification. Gentrification. Plain Old Rich.

"That's it sorted then - this year we'll spend a fortnight in the spare bedroom."

"I think you're beard needs a trim..."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."