Grocery Dramatist Gifts

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

The Perfect Foil

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

'After you with the camouflage.'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'The stuff legends are made of'

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

"It's a profit and loss statement. Read it with gusto!"

Toast with faces popped up from toaster.

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.

"What will change my life?"

Low income vampires.

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

"Somebody tell me...what's my motivation?"

Free Range / Deranged

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

That was 16 items.

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

"People take it more seriously than 'Please don't pinch the peaches'."

"I say my dear, would you pass me some ice please - the fresh stuff, not that frozen rubbish."

New: imitation spaghetti - Impasta.

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'

"Places, everybody!"