Grocery Humorist Gifts

Stack your own/Fly to China and make your own/Scan your own.

'The stuff legends are made of'

WAITROSE - 8 Posh People or less

Supermarket anti-flatulence sign

That was 16 items.

"Better get some frozen peas Norman, you're overdue a right hander"

"I say my dear, would you pass me some ice please - the fresh stuff, not that frozen rubbish."

'Is this milk fresh?' - 'An hour ago it was grass.'

Loose apples

Woman in frozen food isle see a sign: TV Dinners over a case, the dinners are marked CABLE, Dish, Analog.

'They're all empty.' - 'Well, I had to have something to nibble on while I was waiting in the queue.'

'This could be a new record!'

Neighborhood Grocer.

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'

"I never use the Express Lane. I like to keep my money a little longer."

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

The mushroom pickers

"What will change my life?"

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

Low income vampires.

'Yes?'

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

Free Range / Deranged

Holy Pizza

House of Beans.

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."