Culinary Dramatist Gifts

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

Soup of the month.

"That's it. We’re toast."

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"My smelly French cheese is much better than your Canadian beef."

Where Deviled Eggs come from

The Perfect Foil

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

Somewhere in France - The Eliot sisters come face to face with escargots.

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

A sick sandwich is in the hospital and is getting a transfusion on new Maya and Zesty Mustard.

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'No, we don't have any tuna FISH, but we do have salmon FISH, trout FISH, and catfish FISH.'

'Do you want toast with that?'

Gingerbread man sits at desk marked food editor

Dave's Hamburger Shop