Grocery Dramatist T-Shirts

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

The Perfect Foil

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'...and could you refill the vinegar - Genius here thinks it's the wine.'

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'After you with the camouflage.'

"Would you mind telling me why you keep hitting a scary-music sound bite every time you pick up your steak knife?"

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'The tax and tip I understand, but what's this charge for shipping and handling?'

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'The stuff legends are made of'

Alarming symptoms after eating boiled beef and gooseberry pie

Toast with faces popped up from toaster.

"It's a profit and loss statement. Read it with gusto!"

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"What will change my life?"

"Somebody tell me...what's my motivation?"

Low income vampires.

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

"I will avenge the underdone fish that ruined my dinner if it's the last thing I ever do."

Free Range / Deranged

That was 16 items.

"Waiter - this dish doesn't contain enough adjectives..!"

'How is the Peking Duck prepared?' 'I'll break it to her gently.'

"Here are Monsieur Limace, our sommelier, Monsiere Juron, chef de Cuisine and Mr Kruigshenk, specialist for the beheading of breakfast eggs."

New: imitation spaghetti - Impasta.

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

'Is this milk fresh?' - 'An hour ago it was grass.'

"Places, everybody!"