Grape Jelly Gourmet Gifts

'Excellent grape jelly, Mother -- I detect Macabeo, Arinto, Rotgipfler, and just a hint of Hondarrabi Zuri.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

Tarzan of the Grapes.

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The Main Types of Cheese

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Keith Floyd.

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"The chef recommends the tilapia. However, I really like the vodka."

'This place is really classy. They bring the microwave right to your table!'

'You'll find it has a bouquet reminiscent of cherries and chocolate, a silky texture and best of all, for me, a 72% gross margin.'

'To be honest I'm sick of truffles.'

"The special is… pine nut encrusted… filet of salmon… in a balsamic wine reduction."

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

'House wine?'

"I see you've discovered the heirloom Twinkies."

"I think it's important to have a hobby outside of work...mine is eating chocolate."

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"Fresh ground anti-depressants?"

Wino Appreciation Group

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

" 'Unlimited salad bar' sounded better on the menu."

Today: Tomato Surprise. Of course the tomato surprise doesn't impress you, sir … You’re not a tomato.

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

Deviled HamDeviled Eggs.

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'