Grape Juice Jester Gifts

"And would you like a wine stopper?"

A man drinks wine

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

Crow and fox

'Apparently it's part of the evolutionary process!'

"Yes, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight, but he snores!"

Ski kicker.

Wino Appreciation Group

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

'And before we start, Higgins, I'd like to remind you that this is not a laughing matter.'

'My Dad will like you. He's the care-taker at the monkey house in the zoo.'

"Frankly, I don't really want him to improve: he scares the predators away..."

'Tusking...one...two...three. Tusking one...two...three...'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'The mysteries of hyena laughter deciphered.'

Show Jumping Tantrums

"A barista should always follow his instincts."

'With this offer you get high speed internet, satellite TV and a new message tapping log for just $99.95 a month.'

'According to my count, he sticked 23, gloved 18 and ate 5.'

'Screw up and take out a canine and it's gonna be Subpoena City.'

'Just a minute, I forgot something.'

'Hoopla!'

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

'Careful! Don't drink this here grape juice they're servin'. I've had three bottles now, and my head's a spinnin'.'

'My husband never does anything in a hurry either: Not only is he a sloth, he's a lazy sloth...'

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

'It may be his inner ear.'

'Orange juice from 100% carrots'

'I hate making decisions - just bring me a bottle of each.'

Bill finally receives a celery commensurate with his responsibilities.

'No Dad, that is NOT healthy fast food!'

'I'll grab the prey's attention and distract them while you sneak up from behind...'

"When we hired you, we said we would offer a giant celery... Not a salary."