Gourmet Jesters Gifts

"It's our version of the doggy bag. Permit me to take it to madam's car."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

"Now that we're into spring, we want to warn you that spring fever can be contagious..."

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Richard the Turd

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'The blond guy is a forward and the other guy is a wing.'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

'Can we have a table near a handsome man please?'

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

'It's her signature dish.'

Pumping up wig in blender.

"Just how rare is this steak..."

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

Middle Age Spread.

'I'm sorry, this is the line for people who volunteered to help their community. You're looking for the eternal damnation department.'

Popular methods for getting the check

"To the most beautiful girl in the world... Happy Valentine's Day!"

'Better than fresh - everything is irradiated.'

Intimacy - Breeding Ground for Mutual Grooming.

"There's U.N. Weapons Inspectors at the door. They need to see your meatloaf."

'Hoopla!'

'French onion soup. Hold the soup.'

'We don't have pressed duck, but we could shove around a chicken for you.'