Gourmet Joker Gifts

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

Popular methods for getting the check

'French onion soup. Hold the soup.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"That's an excellent St Emilion! Could you please top it up with Pouilly Fume so we get a rose?"

'Better than fresh - everything is irradiated.'

'It's her signature dish.'

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

Veggie Fare - Choose Your Own Soya Beans

'Your ball park mustard, Sir.'

'And ask the chef to run his blender as he cooks that steak. My doctor has put me on a liquid diet.'

"Wait!... I forgot the garnish!"

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

Fittd shēt

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

Prisoner still life painting.

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

'Coool! What's that called? 'Suicide bomber chicken'?'

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."

'I told you rosemary and sage, but don't add the garlic until the last half hour.'