Gourmet Joker Pillows

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

Popular methods for getting the check

'French onion soup. Hold the soup.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Roadkill Cafe.

"That's an excellent St Emilion! Could you please top it up with Pouilly Fume so we get a rose?"

'Better than fresh - everything is irradiated.'

'It's her signature dish.'

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

Veggie Fare - Choose Your Own Soya Beans

'Your ball park mustard, Sir.'

'And ask the chef to run his blender as he cooks that steak. My doctor has put me on a liquid diet.'

"Wait!... I forgot the garnish!"

"There's U.N. Weapons Inspectors at the door. They need to see your meatloaf."

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

Fittd shēt

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

Pope tarts.

Prisoner still life painting.

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."