Culinary Joker Pillows

'I'm not allowed to operate heavy equipment while taking this medication. What do you think the stove weighs?'

Salt and pepper

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"What is this one - 'Two egg surprise'?"

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

"Just keep your eyes closed - it'll only upset you."

"Okay, that's one pizza with all our toppings and one without."

"My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork."

"If you can't see it on my apron, we don't have it."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"I'm happy to say, our burgers are now made with 100% pure beef parts."

Humpty Dumpty sits on the wall and a chef with a large frying pan lurks inconspicuously below.

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

'...but if you are naughty you will end up covered in a secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices.'

'Oh, it's definitely the chef's surprise. He got fired for it.'

Right....Quick,nobody's looking!

'More custard please.'

'We're not buying a turkey for Xmas this year. We've still got some left over from last year.'

Jack the Ripper.

'My dog WON'T eat my homework.'

'Yes, I'd like the chef pan-fried, marinated in his disgusting sauce and charcoal grilled.'

When the prey becomes the predator.

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

To do before Saturday...

Fittd shēt

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

Pope tarts.